Well, I got through another holiday....and I'm still here. #barely I find myself going through the motions sometimes. Just making sure I wake, shower, eat (sometimes), shower, sleep...or rather go to bed. Some days I still don't sleep.....but surprisingly enough, it's a "better" restlessness. I feel free again.....I feel peaceful....that's something I haven't felt in a long time......
I've had a few serious relationships in my lifetime....but when I sat doing the yoga meditation my therapist taught me...the revelation that I had was....I've never really had my heart broken....never.
Not until my Mama left me......
Thinking back I can think of how upset I may have been at the end of the relationships with my son's father, then with my daughters' father & then my husband. But, when I think of it know. I've come to realize that that hurt was more because I hated that our "family" was breaking up than that I hated the relationship was gone. I may have shed a few tears and maybe cursed someone out.....but never had that gut wrenching, can't get out of bed, eyes all puffy and red hurt until she left......Thankfully, I haven't had it since either. Mainly because I'm still not over the heartbreak of losing her.
I did just go through a sort of "dramatic" end to a relationship. But, it wasn't on my part. My I guess you call it "catch phrase" when chaos ensues is, "I'm cool." Because nine times out of ten, I am. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.....I also believe in following my intuition....to a point where one of my friends says it freaks him out. lol....For example, we were heading to the mechanic to get some work done on my car. We were using the GPS and I didn't turn when it told me to. It gave me the direction, "make the next safe u-turn"?!?! First off, I didn't know navigation systems would tell you to make ILLEGAL driving moves...then as we fussed about where I would make this turn, I said, "this doesn't FEEL right" and turned the GPS off and said I would stop at the next business & ask directions. The next business was the oil change shop that was owned by the body shop we were heading to & one of the guys was heading there to drop off a part & let us follow him. Nothing was said the whole way there except by me...it was a swift "I told you about my light (intuition)." #Iknowthatwaspetty lol
Following my intuition I really believe has allowed me to bounce back quickly from the failed relationships in my life. To move on without bitterness/hate/ire towards the other person....That intuition and the fact that I know and have seen that karma takes care of everything. Sometimes it goes slow as a glacier....sometimes it's swift like wildfire. But, for some reason and I probably know what that reason is, I haven't bounced back from the heartbreak of losing my Mama/best friend/support system as quickly as I would like. It has been 2 years and 3 holiday seasons.....I still can't get that pain out of my chest. Where it tightens up like someone is holding your heart in their hand and squeezing tighter and tighter.
I still burst out in tears for simple things. Like if "Gold Digger" by Kanye comes on (that was her JAM! lol) or when I'm watching something & I think of what she would say if we were watching together or her laugh or the way she would throw both her hands in the air & say "whatever" :)..I've gotten better with the tears. I know how to "kind of" stop them if someone walks by. I know how to creatively run my hand across my face to wipe them so people think I'm just rubbing my face. I know people always say, "If you need to cry, cry." That's not my problem....I don't mind that....It's the private person in me that wants me to be the only one who see those tears. Whether they be sad tears or happy tears....Sometimes they are happy tears. But either way, I sometimes want to be the only one who knows about them. The only one who sees them......well, me and the one my heart breaks for.....Mama
Written by Raven
